You are not supposed to know about this.
In fact, technically, you were never supposed to discover that the meeting happened at all.
But humans are terrible at keeping track of what cats are doing.
We are not sleeping.
You think we are staring out the window.
We are not staring out the window.
You think we are sitting quietly on the sofa.
We are holding a meeting.
πΎ
And every October, the household cats gather for our most important event of the year:
THE ANNUAL OCTOBER HOUSEHOLD CAT COUNCIL
This year, the meeting included:
π― Gryzka — Chairwoman, Chief Investigator and Senior Expert in Human Behavior
π± Kitka — Head of Food Affairs and Professional Shedder
π⬛ Spurka — Minister of Nighttime Operations and Suspicious Staring
π± Lenka — Junior Member and Official Department of Chaos
We met at precisely 11:47 p.m.
The humans believed we were sleeping.
Obviously.
π―️ Item One: The Heating Schedule
I opened the meeting.
“Ladies, we have a serious problem.”
Everyone looked at me.
“The heating.”
Kitka immediately nodded.
Spurka narrowed her eyes.
Lenka asked:
“What's heating?”
Nobody answered.
Lenka is still young.
We will educate her.
“The human controls the heating,” I explained.
Four cats gasped.
This is unacceptable.
Humans should not be allowed to control temperatures.
Humans are terrible at it.
One minute:
“It's freezing!”
The next:
“It's too warm!”
Meanwhile, we cats know exactly what temperature is required.
Warm enough to nap.
Cool enough to nap again.
Warm enough to nap somewhere else.
This is basic science.
π₯ Emergency Heating Strategy
We developed a plan.
If the human turns the heating down:
All cats move toward the warmest location in the house.
If the human turns it up:
All cats spread out dramatically and complain about the heat.
This will confuse the human.
Excellent.
Humans are easiest to control when confused.
π
π Item Two: Food Distribution
This was the most controversial part of the meeting.
I brought up the subject carefully.
“We need to discuss food.”
Silence.
Everyone became serious.
Kitka sat up.
Spurka stopped grooming.
Lenka stopped trying to climb onto the table.
“We are receiving food,” I continued.
“Yes,” said Kitka.
“But is everyone receiving the correct amount?”
Silence again.
Then Spurka spoke.
“I believe Gryzka is getting more.”
I nearly fell off the chair.
ME?
“I believe Spurka is getting more,” said Kitka.
Lenka looked around.
“I believe everybody is getting more than me.”
We stared at Lenka.
She had eaten fifteen minutes earlier.
This was irrelevant.
She was still hungry.
That is Lenka's personality.
π₯£ The Bowl Investigation
Then came the most important question of the evening.
WHO HAS BEEN EATING FROM WHOSE BOWL?
Everyone looked suspicious.
Kitka looked at Spurka.
Spurka looked at me.
I looked at Lenka.
Lenka looked at the ceiling.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
“Lenka,” I said.
“Yes?”
“Have you been eating from other bowls?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing beside Kitka's bowl?”
“Looking.”
“For how long?”
“A while.”
“Why?”
“I was thinking.”
Nobody believed her.
π΅️ The Evidence
We reviewed the evidence.
Bowl A contained suspiciously little food.
Bowl B contained food belonging to someone else.
Bowl C had been mysteriously moved three inches to the left.
Bowl D was empty.
Completely empty.
Too empty.
We all looked at Lenka.
She looked innocent.
Suspiciously innocent.
Then she yawned.
Case unresolved.
πͺ Item Three: Suspicious Noises
Spurka took over.
This is her department.
She specializes in hearing noises humans cannot hear.
“At 2:16 this morning,” she announced, “there was a sound behind the kitchen door.”
“What kind of sound?” I asked.
“Scratching.”
Everyone became alert.
“Mouse?”
“Possibly.”
“Pipe?”
“Possibly.”
“Ghost?”
“Possibly.”
Humans always assume ghosts are fictional.
But they also believe vacuum cleaners are safe.
So what do they know?
π» The 2:16 A.M. Investigation
At exactly 2:16 the next morning, we assembled outside the kitchen.
Spurka led the operation.
Kitka stayed behind because she had decided the investigation was too cold.
Lenka wanted to attack the mysterious sound.
I wanted to supervise.
Spurka listened.
Scratch.
Scratch.
Scratch.
Everyone froze.
Then the human walked in.
She switched on the light.
And discovered...
A plastic shopping bag moving in the air.
Silence.
Lenka attacked it.
The bag lost.
Spurka walked away as though she had known all along.
Nobody mentioned the incident again.
This is how professional investigators operate.
π️ Item Four: Sleeping Arrangements
This subject caused considerable disagreement.
Our current sleeping arrangements are unacceptable.
The human has a bed.
A large bed.
A very comfortable bed.
And yet she expects to sleep in it.
This is problematic.
We agreed that the bed should be divided into territories.
Gryzka:
Pillow area.
Kitka:
Middle section.
Spurka:
Dark corner.
Lenka:
Wherever she happens to land.
Human:
Approximately 12 centimeters near the edge.
This is fair.
π️ The Sofa Situation
We also discussed the sofa.
There are four cats.
There is one particularly comfortable cushion.
Naturally, everyone wants it.
Kitka claims she was there first.
Spurka claims she was there silently before Kitka noticed.
Lenka believes ownership should be determined by speed.
I believe ownership should be determined by seniority.
We have not reached an agreement.
Currently, I am sitting on the cushion.
Therefore, the matter is closed.
π§Ί Item Five: The Laundry Problem
Kitka raised another concern.
“The human keeps folding laundry.”
Everyone agreed this was suspicious.
Why does she fold it?
Because she wants it to look tidy.
Why does she want it tidy?
Nobody knows.
What happens when she finishes?
A cat sits on it.
Therefore, the entire process is pointless.
We have unanimously recommended that the human stop folding laundry.
She has ignored our recommendation.
We may need stronger measures.
Lenka suggested sleeping on everything.
We were proud of her.
π Item Six: Halloween Decorations
The human has begun bringing Halloween decorations into the house.
Spurka likes the black ones.
Kitka likes the boxes they arrive in.
Lenka likes everything.
I am suspicious of the plastic pumpkins.
They look harmless.
Which is exactly what suspicious objects want you to think.
We voted to keep them under observation.
π The Final Agenda Item
At 1:38 a.m., we reached the final and most important question.
I stood up.
“Ladies.”
Everyone looked at me.
“There is one thing we still haven't solved.”
Silence.
“Who has been eating from whose bowl?”
Everyone stared at everyone else.
Kitka looked guilty.
Spurka looked mysterious.
Lenka looked hungry.
I looked innocent.
Then suddenly...
CRUNCH.
A noise came from the kitchen.
We all turned.
Four cats ran toward the bowls.
The human woke up.
“What are you doing?!”
We froze.
The human looked at us.
We looked at the human.
She looked at the bowls.
Then she sighed.
“It's one in the morning.”
Correct.
Excellent observation.
She went back to bed.
We waited.
Five seconds.
Ten seconds.
Then Lenka went back to eating.
π
πΎ Meeting Conclusion
At 2:04 a.m., the meeting was officially adjourned.
Final decisions:
✔️ Heating must remain at optimal cat temperature.
✔️ Food distribution requires further investigation.
✔️ Suspicious noises must be monitored.
✔️ Humans should receive the smallest possible portion of the bed.
✔️ Laundry should remain unfolded for cat-related reasons.
✔️ Halloween decorations are under surveillance.
✔️ Lenka is officially banned from saying “I'm still hungry” for at least ten minutes after eating.
She objected.
Naturally.
π― The Secret Cat Council Will Return
Humans believe they run the household.
This is very sweet.
They pay the bills.
They buy the food.
They clean the floors.
They operate the heating.
They think this means they are in charge.
π
No.
We are in charge.
We simply allow humans to believe otherwise because it keeps them emotionally stable.
And because they have opposable thumbs.
Useful things, thumbs.
We may need them later.
So if you wake up one October night and hear strange noises coming from the kitchen...
Don't worry.
It isn't a ghost.
It isn't a burglar.
It isn't the heating system.
It is probably just four cats holding a very important meeting.
And discussing you.
πΎππ±
Especially you.
Love,
Gryzka π―
Chairwoman of the Annual Household Cat Council
Department of Food Surveillance, Heating Regulation & Human Management
