Five Reasons I Deserve Second Breakfast

 

Humans keep saying strange things like:
“But Gryzka, you already ate.”

 Excuse me?
Yes, technically I consumed food at 5:43 AM after screaming into the void beside your bed like a tiny furry opera singer. But that was first breakfast. We are now living in completely different times. Civilization has evolved. The sun moved at least three centimeters across the sky. I have suffered greatly since then.

Therefore, today I will calmly and scientifically explain why I deserve second breakfast.

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1. Emotional Support Is Hard Work

Do humans think I simply sit around all day looking beautiful?

Incorrect.

Every morning I must:

• supervise coffee preparation,
• stare at the wall mysteriously,
• sprint through the apartment for no reason,
• and protect the household from dangerous enemies like moths and suspicious plastic bags.

That level of emotional labor burns calories.

Especially the part where I knock objects off shelves while maintaining eye contact.

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2. The Bowl Looked Empty From My Angle

Humans are obsessed with “facts.”

“The bowl is still half full.”
“There is food right there.”
“You literally just walked away from it.”

Listen carefully.

If I can see the bottom of the bowl in even ONE corner, that means starvation is approaching. I refuse to live under such dangerous conditions.

Would you drink coffee from a cup that was only half full?
Actually, don’t answer that. Humans clearly have low standards.

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3. Spurka Might Eat It

This is very serious.

Maybe Spurka isn’t even in the kitchen right now. Maybe Spurka is asleep. Maybe Spurka has absolutely no interest in my food whatsoever.

But what if.

As a responsible cat, I must eliminate all risk by eating everything immediately.

This is called strategy.

Lions do this too probably.

---

4. I Survived Terrible Hardships This Morning

At 7:12 AM, my human moved slightly in bed and accidentally disturbed my nap.

Traumatizing.

Then:

• the vacuum cleaner existed,
• a crow looked at me wrong from the balcony,
• and Kitka stole the warm spot on the chair for approximately eleven minutes.

Do you understand the suffering I endure daily?

Honestly, second breakfast is not enough. I should probably receive compensation tuna.

---

5. I Am Baby

This is the strongest argument.

Yes, I am an adult cat.
Yes, I pay no taxes.
Yes, I once destroyed a plant and blamed gravity.

But spiritually? Emotionally? Legally in my own mind?

Tiny baby.

Tiny babies require:

• extra snacks,
• forehead kisses,
• dramatic screaming,
• and immediate service at all times.

The rules are the rules.

---

Final Thoughts Before My Next Meal

Humans often ask:
“Gryzka, how many breakfasts do you actually need?”

And to that I say:
How many sunsets does the sky need?
How many stars exist in the universe?
How many times must I step on the keyboard before you learn your lesson?

Some questions simply cannot be answered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear someone opening the fridge from three rooms away.

My people need me.

How to Interrupt Your Human’s Work

 

Hello, fellow cats (and humans who think they’re in charge).

 Today, I will teach you a valuable life skill:
how to interrupt your human’s work in a refined, strategic, and deeply effective manner.

Because let’s be honest—if your human is working, they are clearly forgetting what truly matters:

you.

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💻 Step 1: The Keyboard Takeover

Observe your human typing something “important.” Emails. Documents. Nonsense.

Now walk slowly across the keyboard.

Not too fast—this is not chaos. This is precision sabotage.

Bonus points if you:

• Send an unfinished message
• Open 17 tabs
• Activate something called “caps lock” (very powerful)

Then sit. Directly. On the keyboard.

You are now the work.

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👀 Step 2: The Silent Stare

Sit beside the screen. Do nothing.

Just stare.

Unblinking. Mysterious. Slightly judgmental.

Humans cannot handle this level of emotional pressure. Within minutes, they will:

• Stop working
• Look at you
• Question their life choices

Congratulations. You’ve already won.

---

🐾 Step 3: The Strategic Paw

Extend one delicate paw.

Place it gently on:

• Their hand
• Their mouse
• Their soul

Apply just enough pressure to say:
“I exist. Fix your priorities.”

---

🪑 Step 4: Chair Infiltration

If your human is sitting, this is your moment.

Jump onto the chair.
Then onto their lap.
Turn around 3–12 times.

Sit.

Now they cannot move without disturbing you. And as we all know, disturbing a cat is illegal.

Work has officially ended.

---

📄 Step 5: Paperwork Redistribution

If your human uses papers, this is excellent.

Sit on them.

Or better yet—push one slowly off the desk while maintaining eye contact. This establishes dominance and introduces a sense of urgency into their otherwise boring tasks.

---

🔊 Step 6: Vocal Feedback

Sometimes subtlety must be abandoned.

Use your voice:

• Soft “mrrp” for gentle reminders
• Loud “MEOW” for critical alerts
• Continuous commentary for complex situations

Remember: your human cannot focus if you are expressing yourself. And you have a lot to say.

---

☀️ Step 7: The Sunbeam Diversion

Locate a nearby sunbeam.

Lie in it dramatically.

Stretch. Roll. Look unbearably comfortable.

Your human will be forced to stop working and admire you. This is not a distraction. This is inspiration.

---

🧠 Advanced Technique: The Emotional Collapse

At random intervals:

• Become extremely affectionate
• Headbutt repeatedly
• Demand attention urgently

Then, without warning, leave.

This creates confusion, emotional dependency, and a complete breakdown of productivity.

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Final Thoughts from a Professional

Interrupting your human’s work is not about chaos.

It is about:

• Timing
• Elegance
• Psychological influence

You are not disturbing their work.

You are improving their life.

Because deep down, they don’t need deadlines, emails, or productivity.

They need you.

Now go forth, my feline students.
And remember:

If your human is working, you are already late. 🐾

The Great Fly Hunt: A May Thriller

 

It began, as all great tragedies do…
with a sound.

Bzzzz.

I froze.

 Ears forward. Eyes wide. Tail low. The air itself seemed to tremble. Somewhere in this room—my room—something had entered.

Something uninvited.

Something… airborne.

---

🪰 The Intruder

I spotted it near the window.

Small. Fast. Insolent.

A fly.

It moved like it owned the place. Like it paid rent. Like it had not just made the greatest mistake of its short, meaningless life.

I lowered myself to the ground.

Silent.

Invisible.

Deadly.

---

🐾 The First Strike

Timing is everything.

I waited. Calculated. Breathed.

Bzzzz.

It landed.

I leapt.

Missed.

We do not speak of this.

---

🪟 The Window War

The fly took to the air again, performing chaotic aerial maneuvers clearly designed to test my patience and my athletic excellence.

It hit the window.

Again. And again.

A foolish move. There was nowhere left to go.

I approached slowly, placing each paw with surgical precision. My whiskers twitched. My pupils expanded into galaxies.

This was it.

---

💥 Chaos Ensues

What followed can only be described as…
a masterpiece.

I jumped onto the windowsill. Slipped. Recovered (gracefully). Knocked over something unimportant. Perhaps a plant. Perhaps a civilization.

The fly rose again.

I pursued.

Across the table. Onto the chair. Over the human’s laptop (collateral damage). Papers flew. Objects shifted. Reality itself bent.

The human shouted something. Probably encouragement.

---

😼 Psychological Warfare

The fly grew tired.

I did not.

I sat. Calm. Composed. Watching.

This is what amateurs do not understand:
the hunt is not just physical.

It is mental.

I let it believe it was safe.

---

⚡ The Final Moment

It landed.

On the wall.

Still.

Waiting.

I crouched low. Muscles coiled. Time slowed.

This was not just a hunt.

This was destiny.

I jumped—

---

…Interruption

“Gryzka! Leave it!”

The human.

Always interfering at the most critical moment of my career.

The fly escaped. Of course it did. They always do when humans sabotage greatness.

---

🐾 Aftermath

I sat down. Licked my paw. Pretended this was all part of the plan.

The room was quiet again.

Too quiet.

Because somewhere out there…

Bzzzz.

It lives.

---

Final Thoughts from the Hunter

Some say it was just a fly.

They are wrong.

It was:

• A worthy opponent
• A test of skill
• A story that will echo through generations

And tomorrow…

we hunt again.

Stay vigilant.

Stay sharp.

And remember:

If it buzzes… it’s personal. 🐾

Training Your Human to Open Doors (It’s Not Hard)

 

Let us begin with a simple truth:

Doors are an insult.

 They exist for one purpose only—to separate me from places I deserve to be in immediately. Closed doors are not “boundaries.” They are mistakes, and as a responsible cat, it is my duty to correct them.

Thankfully, humans are trainable.

Here is my proven method.

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🚪 Step 1: The Gentle Signal

Approach the closed door.

Sit.

Look at it.

Now look at your human.

Back at the door.

Back at the human.

If your human has at least one functioning brain cell, they will understand.
If not—proceed to Step 2.

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🐾 Step 2: The Paw Tap

Raise your paw and tap the door lightly.

Not too hard. You are not a barbarian.

Just enough to say:
“Excuse me, this door appears to be broken.”

Pause. Give them time to fix their mistake.

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🔊 Step 3: Vocal Reinforcement

If the door remains closed (unacceptable), begin vocal communication.

Start with a polite:

• mrrp

Escalate gradually to:

• meow
• MEOW
• MEEEEEEOOOOW

Consistency is key. Volume is also key.

---

🪵 Step 4: The Scratch Technique

Place your paws on the door.

Scratch.

Rhythmically. Artistically. With feeling.

This serves two purposes:

1. It motivates the human to act
2. It improves the door’s texture (you’re welcome)

---

🧠 Step 5: Psychological Pressure

Lie down dramatically in front of the door.

Sigh.

Stare into the distance as if reflecting on all the doors that have wronged you.

Humans are weak. They will crumble under the weight of your silent suffering.

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⚡ Step 6: The Sudden Sprint

When the door finally opens—do not enter immediately.

This is important.

Instead:

• Hesitate
• Look inside
• Look back at your human

Then walk away.

This establishes dominance and reminds them:
it was never about the door. It was about control.

---

🔁 Step 7: Repeat as Necessary

Five minutes later, return.

Demand the door be opened again.

Do you want to go in? Out? Maybe.

That is irrelevant.

Training requires repetition.

---

🚫 Advanced Move: The 3 a.m. Emergency

For experienced cats only.

At approximately 3 a.m., perform the entire routine with urgency and emotional intensity.

This reinforces long-term obedience and ensures your human remains alert at all times.

---

Final Thoughts from Your Instructor

Training a human is not difficult.

It simply requires:

• Patience
• Persistence
• A complete disregard for their sleep schedule

Soon, your human will open doors automatically, sometimes even before you ask.

This is called success.

Now go. Find a closed door.

And fix it.

Because no door should ever stand between you and your destiny. 🐾

GRYZKA’S GUIDE TO HANDLING ALLERGIC HUMANS

 

Spring is here. Flowers bloom. Birds sing. Humans sneeze.

Especially Ania. 🤧

 Yes, my human is allergic to everything good in life: pollen, dust, grass, occasional sunlight, and apparently my fur.

It is my solemn duty to guide her — and anyone else foolish enough to live in proximity to perfection — through this allergic chaos.

---

1. Understanding the Human Condition 🧬

Humans are fragile. Their sneezes are dramatic. Their tissues vanish mysteriously. They sometimes cry into coffee cups.

Kitka watches them silently with aristocratic judgment.
Spurka hides in the shadows like a ninja on sabbatical.
Lenka thinks sneezing is a game — and participates enthusiastically.

My role: Gryzka, Emotional Consultant, Professional Observer.

---

2. Step One: Warning Systems ⚠️

When pollen approaches, I sit near Ania.
Not to comfort her — to monitor compliance.
A twitch of her nose? I am alert.
A scratchy throat? I give my “stern look.”
A tissue avalanche? I supervise cleanup while judging.

Humans must be taught early that their suffering is… partially their own fault.

---

3. Step Two: Strategic Grooming ✂️

I maintain my fur with peak elegance.
But I also shed purposefully.
Strategic shedding teaches humans resilience.
Ania sneezes. I am adorable. She apologizes. I sit on her lap anyway.
Life lesson: love requires endurance — and fur.

---

4. Step Three: Safe Zones 🛋️

Humans must have allergen-free zones.
Example: the chair I do not sit on.
But beware! These zones are sacred, temporary, and subject to random Gryzka inspections.

Kitka has a corner. Spurka has a shadow. Lenka has… chaos.
Humans: learn balance or be sneezed upon emotionally.

 BUY NOW  Life on the Cat Tree (Three) Summit

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5. Step Four: Psychological Support 🐾

Sneezing is traumatizing. I knead Ania’s hand gently.
I purr, reminding her that life is beautiful.
She gasps: “Gryzka… you’re so soft!”
I nod majestically. She survives another day.

Lesson: empathy is easier when fur is involved.

---

6. Bonus Tip: Humor Is Mandatory 😹

When Ania sneezes five times in a row:

• I stare with dramatic interest.

• Kitka judges silently.

• Spurka plots revenge on dust particles.

• Lenka attempts to catch the sneezes mid-air.

Everyone laughs. Except the dust. Dust is evil.

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Final Verdict 🏆

Handling allergic humans requires:

• Supervision ✅

• Strategic shedding ✅

• Emotional blackmail ✅

• Occasional lap domination ✅

Remember: allergies are temporary. My superiority is eternal.
Humans will sneeze. I will supervise. The HEART of this household remains flawless. 💗🐾🤧

 Check out my book on Amazon:

Gryzka's book 

LENKA DISCOVERS BEES. WE REGRET EVERYTHING

 

It began innocently enough.

Lenka, the youngest, the fluffiest, the smallest agent of chaos, spotted them.

The bees. 🐝

Yes. Bees. Outside on the balcony. Buzzing. Mocking. Aggressive little winged villains.

I tried to warn the household.

Kitka ignored me, of course — dignified as ever.
Spurka crouched like a black ninja in preparation.
Lenka… did not listen.

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08:12 – The Discovery

Lenka sniffed the first bee.
The bee buzzed menacingly.
Lenka screamed — not a human scream, a high-pitched cat scream — and charged.

The universe contracted in terror.

I leapt onto the railing, paws extended for emergency action.
Kitka sighed dramatically.
Spurka flattened herself into aerodynamic terror-mode.

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08:15 – Chaos Unleashed 💨

Lenka jumped, missed, and nearly fell.
The bee circled like it owned the world.
I yelled (silently, as cats do) at her to retreat.

She refused.

She climbed the flower pot.
She launched herself onto a chair.
She attempted aerial maneuvers over the balcony railing.

Ania appeared.

Ania gasped.
“LENKA! NO!”
I silently judged her for insufficient preparedness in dealing with bee emergencies.

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08:23 – Tactical Assessment 🐾

Bees: 1
Lenka: 1 (injuries: pride, minor swatting trauma)
Gryzka (me): 0, thanks to superior cat instincts and emotional awareness

Kitka: observing.
Spurka: plotting retaliation for my interference in her Zen meditation.

Lesson learned: Bees are tiny dragons. Bees are unfair. Lenka is fearless but not smart.

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08:45 – Evacuation & Recovery 🧺

We retreated inside.
Lenka hid under the couch.
I administered moral support by kneading her fur aggressively.
Kitka demanded tea (a cat can dream).
Spurka silently judged everyone.

Ania provided treats. Lenka accepted them reluctantly — survival is complicated.

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09:00 – Debrief & Final Thoughts

• Bees: not trustworthy.

• Lenka: completely untrustworthy.

• Balcony: temporarily neutral territory.

• Gryzka: still the smartest being in the household (verified).

Tomorrow, Lenka will pretend this never happened.
The bees will continue plotting their tiny evil schemes.
I will remain vigilant.

Because in the HEART of a cat household, there is only one law: No bee left unjudged. 🐾💛

 

Important announcement:
My book is now on Amazon.
It contains wisdom, drama, and at least one emotional breakdown (not mine).
Highly recommended by me.

 

SPRING AWAKENING: MY HEART EXPANDS (MOSTLY FOR FOOD)

 

Spring has arrived.

I know this because:

1. The sun is warmer.

2. The birds are louder.

3. Ania has started saying things like “fresh start.”

4. I am hungry 17% more than usual.

This is what scientists call growth.

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The Expanding HEART 💗

In winter, my HEART is focused. Concentrated. Survival-based.
Blankets. Radiators. Strategic loafing.

But spring?

Spring makes my HEART expand.

I sit on the balcony. I inhale pollen dramatically. I gaze into the distance like a poet who owes someone money.

I feel… alive.

And also slightly peckish.

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The Bird Situation 🐦

Birds have returned.

They bounce around like feathery appetizers.

Spurka watches them with silent intensity.
Kitka observes with aristocratic distance.
Lenka runs into the glass door repeatedly.

I feel my HEART expand with nature’s beauty.

And also with hunting fantasies.

This is balance.

 

 BUY NOW  Life on the Cat Tree (Three) Summit

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The Diet Illusion 🌿

Ania looked at me yesterday and whispered, “Maybe we eat a little lighter for spring?”

Excuse me?

Spring awakening is not about less food.
It is about more energy to pursue food.

My metabolism has awakened.
My paws require fuel.
My whiskers demand investment.

I demonstrated this by sitting next to my bowl and expanding emotionally until refilled.

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Sunspot Enlightenment ☀️

The sun now hits the living room at a superior angle.

When I stretch in it, I look like a spiritual guru made of fur.

My HEART swells with gratitude.

Kitka joined me briefly but left when I expanded into her personal space.
Spurka prefers shadow meditation.
Lenka attempted to eat a sunbeam.

We are all blooming in our own way.

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Seasonal Philosophy 🐾

Humans think spring awakening is about:

• Cleaning

• Growth

• New beginnings

Incorrect.

It is about:

• Strategic shedding

• Increased appetite

• Lounging with renewed confidence

My HEART expands for life.
For warmth.
For birds I cannot reach.

But mostly?

For the sound of kibble hitting the bowl.

That is true rebirth.

That is renewal.

That is love. 💗