The Cat Who Defied Yoga

She calls it "stretching," I call it "a personal nap mat."

It all started one morning when I noticed my human, Ania, unrolling this strange thing on the floor. It was long, flat, and suspiciously soft—basically the perfect place for a cat nap. But no, she had other plans.

She called it a "yoga mat" and seemed all excited about something called "stretching." Frankly, I didn't care about stretching. I cared about comfort.

As soon as she stepped away to get a drink of water, I jumped onto that mat like a graceful panther—well, more like a fluffy potato with legs—but the point is, I was there first. It was my mat now.

Ania came back to find me lounging in the middle of her "yoga" space, all sprawled out and giving her the classic "why are you bothering me?" look. She tried to shoo me off, but I stared at her like she was the one interrupting my peaceful nap. She begged me to "move," but I knew my rights. Cats rule, humans drool.

She tried again, this time rolling out some "stretching" thing where she bent like a pretzel—incredibly ungraceful, by the way. I took one look at her and thought, "No, no, you're doing it all wrong."

When she went to do some "downward dog" thing (I’m still not sure what that means), I seized the moment. I climbed onto her back like I was the mighty lion, claiming my territory. I could tell she was trying to breathe and be all zen, but I was there, sitting proudly on her spine, like the majestic creature I am.

Eventually, she gave up on her "stretching" and just gave me belly rubs. Frankly, I think she realized that yoga is way better with a warm, purring kitty in the middle of it all.

So, every morning now, when she unrolls her "yoga mat," I know it's my chance to catch up on my beauty sleep. She can do her stretches, but she’ll have to work around me. After all, I’m the one truly mastering the art of relaxation.

The Forbidden Easter Feast

Easter has arrived. My human has a suspicious amount of food. This is concerning.

Chocolate eggs, pastries, and something that smells suspiciously like cheese have appeared on the table. Yet, despite the abundance, I am given none.

This is an injustice.

I, Gryzka, Master of the Hunt, shall not stand for such an offense. It is time to devise a master plan.

Phase One: The Innocent Approach

I sit beside my human and stare at her with my biggest, roundest, most pitiful eyes.

She glances at me. “No, Gryzka. Chocolate is bad for you.”

Lies. I don’t believe her.

I nudge her hand. Purr. Look adorable. Surely, she will break under pressure.

She does not. She laughs and eats a piece of chocolate right in front of me. Right in front of me!

The betrayal.

Plan A has failed. Time for Plan B.

Phase Two: The Distraction Tactic

While my human is distracted by her weird glowing screen, I leap onto the table and inspect the forbidden feast.

The chocolate eggs are shiny and wrapped in crinkly paper. Too risky. The pastries, however… perfect.

I extend a paw, inching toward a delicious-looking croissant—

“Gryzka!”

I freeze. She has caught me.

I quickly retract my paw and pretend to clean my face. I was never reaching for the pastry. I am innocent.

She narrows her eyes. She does not believe me.

She picks me up and puts me on the floor. Again. The disrespect.

Phase Three: The Stealth Mission

Later, my human goes to the kitchen. The table is unguarded.

This is my moment.

With the silence of a trained spy, I slink across the floor, jump onto a chair, and onto the table. My prize awaits.

I bite into the soft, flaky pastry—

“GRYZKA!”

She has returned too soon.

I grab the pastry with my teeth and attempt to flee, but she is too fast. She snatches it away. My hard-earned victory is stolen.

The injustice burns deep in my soul.

Phase Four: The Ultimate Betrayal

To add insult to injury, she laughs and takes a piece of ham from her plate.

“Oh, so you want this?” she teases.

Yes. Finally. She understands.

She hands it to Kitka instead.

KITKA.

The outrage. The pain. I have been betrayed on the holiest of holidays.

Conclusion: The True Easter Lesson

Defeated, I retreat to my spot by the window, brooding over my losses.

But I am not one to give up.

Tomorrow, she will let her guard down. The pastries will return.

And when they do… so will I.

Gryzka, CEO of Chaos

April has arrived, and with it, my human is glued to her computer, furrowing her brows and typing furiously. This is unacceptable.

I am Gryzka the Magnificent, and I do not tolerate being ignored.

Phase One: The Keyboard Takeover

She is typing away, her fingers clicking like tiny rodents skittering across a hard floor. Naturally, I must investigate.

With the grace of a jungle predator, I leap onto the desk and flop directly onto the keyboard.

Instant reaction. “Gryzka, no! I’m working!”

Lies. What could be more important than me?

I stretch luxuriously, pressing as many keys as possible with my mighty paws. A strange combination of letters fills the screen:
“jskdfhskdfhGFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!”

She gasps and quickly presses some buttons. I don’t know what I did, but it was clearly important.

Instead of thanking me, she picks me up and places me on the floor. How rude.

I glare at her. She will pay for this.

Phase Two: The Stationery Purge

Denied access to the keyboard, I switch to Plan B: Desk Disruption.

I spot a collection of pens, neatly placed in a cup. Disgusting. They must be eliminated. One by one, I swipe them to the floor.

Clatter.

“Gryzka, stop that!”

I make eye contact and slowly push the last pen off the edge.

She sighs and picks them up, placing them back in the cup. A fool’s mistake—I repeat the process immediately.

After the third round, she mutters something about how “she should have gotten a dog.” I pretend not to hear.

Phase Three: The Video Call Invasion

Just as I am considering my next act of sabotage, my human puts on her Serious Work Face. She presses a button and a human’s voice comes from the screen.

“Hello, Anna! Can you hear me?”

She speaks back. “Yes, hi! Let’s go over the project updates.”

A perfect opportunity.

With a single bound, I jump onto her lap and climb onto her shoulders like a proud parrot. I stare directly into the camera.

“Oh! What a cute cat!” the person on the screen says. Finally, some recognition.

My human groans. “Sorry, she’s—Gryzka, get down!”

Absolutely not.

I walk back and forth in front of the screen, ensuring that my glorious fur is displayed in full HD.

Suddenly, I hear my own name. “Anna, does Gryzka help with your work?”

My human laughs. “If by ‘help,’ you mean creating chaos, then yes.”

Excuse me? I am a valuable contributor.

To prove my importance, I turn around and press my butt directly against the camera.

My human gasps. “Gryzka!”

Her coworker chuckles. “Looks like she’s very involved in the process.”

Yes. Finally, someone understands.

Phase Four: The Great Printer Showdown

The call ends, and my human resumes her “work” (which, frankly, seems a lot less productive without my contributions). Suddenly, the printer hums to life.

I attack.

The paper moves, so I must stop it. I bat at the pages as they emerge, trying to drag them back inside.

“Gryzka, no! That’s my report!”

I do not care.

I bite a corner. Delicious. A masterpiece. I have officially edited her work.

Defeated, she gives up. “Fine. You win.”

Yes. Of course, I do.

Conclusion: My Work Here is Done

After an exhausting day of improving my human’s productivity, I retire to the couch for a well-earned nap.

I dream of a world where my contributions are properly appreciated.

Perhaps tomorrow, I will help again. Maybe I will send an important email by walking across the keyboard. Or rearrange the desk by knocking everything off.

A new day, a new opportunity for chaos.

You’re welcome, human.

Spring Cleaning Sabotage

Ah, April. The month when humans lose their minds and decide that everything must be cleaned.

It starts with small signs. My human, usually a reasonable creature (except when she refuses to give me second breakfast), suddenly begins muttering about “dust,” “clutter,” and worst of all—“the vacuum.” She looks at my fur-covered throne, otherwise known as The Armchair, with a suspicious gleam in her eyes. Then, she moves things. My perfect chaos is disturbed. I must act.

Phase One: Dust Bunny Conservation

The first thing she does is take a strange feathery stick and start swiping my precious dust bunnies off the furniture. How dare she? I have spent months cultivating those! I immediately leap onto the shelf she’s dusting and try to rescue them.

She tells me to move. Move? Me?

No.

I stretch out luxuriously, swishing my tail into the dust pile she just made. “Gryzka!” she groans, waving the feather stick at me. Foolish human. She does not understand that I am part of the furniture now.

Then, she makes a crucial mistake—she stops paying attention. Seizing my moment, I slap the feather stick out of her hand and watch it roll under the couch. Victory! She sighs. “You are impossible.” Yes, I know.

Phase Two: Laundry Sabotage

The next horror arrives: laundry day.

My human pulls the warm, freshly dried blankets from the laundry basket. I see my target. As she folds them, I make my move, leaping onto the biggest, fluffiest one. I roll, stretch, and present my most irresistible belly fluff.

"Not on the clean sheets, Gryzka!" she cries.

Too late. I have claimed them. I dramatically burrow inside, turning them into my personal nest. She sighs but lets me stay. One battle won.

Phase Three: The Vacuum Monster Uprising

Just when I think I am safe, the worst happens.

The vacuum appears.

I freeze. It is still, for now, but I know what it is capable of. My human unwinds its long, snake-like tail and—oh no—it comes to life. A deep growl fills the room as the monstrous machine begins devouring every speck of dust in its path.

It comes toward me.

I run.

The coward Spurka and the lazy Kitka flee to their hiding spots, but I am Gryzka the Brave. I take my stand from the highest point—the bookshelf. I watch as it chases my dust bunnies, its horrible snout sucking up my carefully scattered fur.

I decide to fight back.

With a mighty leap, I attack. I land in front of it and hiss my fiercest warning. The vacuum growls louder. I swat at its tail. My human laughs (which is rude, honestly). “Gryzka, you can’t fight the vacuum.”

Lies.

But then—she does something truly evil. She turns the vacuum toward me. It lunges. I flee. No shame. I run like the wind and take shelter in my safest fortress: under the bed. I hear her chuckle.

She will pay for this betrayal.

Phase Four: Post-Cleaning Chaos Restoration

Finally, the vacuum monster is silenced. The house is disturbingly clean. It smells weird, like lemons and betrayal. My fur is no longer on every surface. My dust bunnies have vanished. The armchair is disturbingly… tidy.

I must fix this.

I begin my restoration efforts immediately. I shed dramatically. I dig into the laundry pile again. I knock a few things off the table. Then, with great care, I select one of my most beloved toys—a small, soggy hair tie I stole weeks ago—and place it directly in the middle of the newly vacuumed floor.

There.

My work is done.

My human sighs and mutters, “Why do I even bother?”

I purr. Exactly.