Let us begin with a simple truth:
Doors are an insult.
Thankfully, humans are trainable.
Here is my proven method.
🚪 Step 1: The Gentle Signal
Approach the closed door.
Sit.
Look at it.
Now look at your human.
Back at the door.
Back at the human.
If your human has at least one functioning brain cell, they will understand.
If not—proceed to Step 2.
🐾 Step 2: The Paw Tap
Raise your paw and tap the door lightly.
Not too hard. You are not a barbarian.
Just enough to say:
“Excuse me, this door appears to be broken.”
Pause. Give them time to fix their mistake.
🔊 Step 3: Vocal Reinforcement
If the door remains closed (unacceptable), begin vocal communication.
Start with a polite:
- mrrp
Escalate gradually to:
- meow
- MEOW
- MEEEEEEOOOOW
Consistency is key. Volume is also key.
🪵 Step 4: The Scratch Technique
Place your paws on the door.
Scratch.
Rhythmically. Artistically. With feeling.
This serves two purposes:
- It motivates the human to act
- It improves the door’s texture (you’re welcome)
🧠 Step 5: Psychological Pressure
Lie down dramatically in front of the door.
Sigh.
Stare into the distance as if reflecting on all the doors that have wronged you.
Humans are weak. They will crumble under the weight of your silent suffering.
⚡ Step 6: The Sudden Sprint
When the door finally opens—do not enter immediately.
This is important.
Instead:
- Hesitate
- Look inside
- Look back at your human
Then walk away.
This establishes dominance and reminds them:
it was never about the door. It was about control.
🔁 Step 7: Repeat as Necessary
Five minutes later, return.
Demand the door be opened again.
Do you want to go in? Out? Maybe.
That is irrelevant.
Training requires repetition.
🚫 Advanced Move: The 3 a.m. Emergency
For experienced cats only.
At approximately 3 a.m., perform the entire routine with urgency and emotional intensity.
This reinforces long-term obedience and ensures your human remains alert at all times.
Final Thoughts from Your Instructor
Training a human is not difficult.
It simply requires:
- Patience
- Persistence
- A complete disregard for their sleep schedule
Soon, your human will open doors automatically, sometimes even before you ask.
This is called success.
Now go. Find a closed door.
And fix it.
Because no door should ever stand between you and your destiny. 🐾
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