January Diets Are Violence

 

Every January, my human commits the same unforgivable act.

She looks at food…
and then does not eat it.

Worse—she looks at my food and says, “We’re both being good now.”

Good for what?
Hunger?

Diets Are Against Nature (And Me)

January diets go against everything cats stand for:

• comfort

• survival

• snacks

• emotional eating

• eating when bored

• eating when not bored

My bowl was filled slightly less full than usual.
This is not a “diet.”
This is aggression.

I sat next to the bowl and stared at the bottom like it had personally betrayed me.

Kitka Has Seen This Before

Kitka, the calico and the oldest, sighed deeply when she heard the word “diet.”

She says January diets come and go like bad weather and worse relationships. She remembers years when humans ate only yogurt and cried quietly in the kitchen.

Kitka advises patience.
Kitka also steals food when no one is looking.

This is wisdom.

Spurka Treats Diets Like a Challenge

Spurka, my black sister, took the diet personally.

If food is restricted, Spurka becomes resourceful.

She learned how to:

• open cupboards

• locate crumbs from 2014

• lick plates that are “already clean”

She knocked over the trash can “by accident” and then sat next to it, innocent, like a shadow with eyes.

Lenka Does Not Understand the Rules

Lenka is new and believes diets are temporary.

She thinks if she looks cute enough, the rules will change.

She is not wrong.

She sat by the fridge and screamed softly until the human gave her “just a little bit.” This proves that diets are fake and can be defeated by persistence and whiskers.

The Human Is Suffering (As She Should)

The human eats leaves now.
She calls them “salads.”

I sniffed one.
It had no soul.

She sighs a lot and says, “I’m trying to be healthy.”

Healthy humans should give more snacks.
This is basic science.

My Official Position

January diets are:

• cruel

• unnecessary

• emotionally damaging

• and very rude to cats

Food is love.
Love should not be measured.

If you see a cat staring at you while you diet, know this:
We are not judging you.

We are disappointed.

Now excuse me.
I must go remind my human that it’s feeding time.

It has been seven minutes.

— Gryzka 🐾