I would like to begin this article by stating something very important:
I am independent.
Mysterious.
Untamed.
I am not one of those cats who constantly demands affection. I do not need cuddles.
Now excuse me while I sit six millimeters away from my human for seven consecutive hours.
The Performance of Pretending Not to Care
Humans are exhausting.
Every time they see me peacefully existing nearby, they say things like:
“Aww, Gryzka wants cuddles!”
Incorrect.
I merely chose to sit:
- directly on your chest,
- with my face pressed against your neck,
- while purring loud enough to shake nearby furniture.
This is called coincidence.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Rule Number One: You Must Never Reach for Me First
This is extremely important.
If I walk toward the human and dramatically collapse beside them like a Victorian woman with emotional problems? Perfectly acceptable.
But if THEY reach out first?
Absolutely not.
Disgusting behavior.
Jail immediately.
Then I must:
- pretend I was leaving anyway,
- flick my tail like I’ve been personally insulted,
- and sit two meters away while staring sadly at them because now nobody is cuddling me.
Humans really sabotage relationships.
The Midnight Hypocrisy
During the day:
“Don’t touch me. I am a wild creature of the forest.”
At 2:14 AM:
I suddenly become:
tiny baby.
fragile angel.
small emotional croissant.
This is when I sneak onto the bed and press myself against my human’s legs like I pay rent there.
If they move even slightly, I act deeply betrayed.
How dare they sleep in my sleeping spot.
Why I Sit on Laptops Instead of Laps
Humans think I sit on keyboards because I enjoy causing problems.
This is only partially true.
The real reason is attention.
You see, when humans stare at glowing rectangles too long, they forget important things:
- feeding Gryzka,
- admiring Gryzka,
- discussing Gryzka’s beauty,
- and telling Gryzka she is the tiniest baby in the universe.
So naturally I must lie directly across the keyboard like a furry system error.
This forces the human to touch me.
You’re welcome.
The Purring Situation
I would also like to address accusations regarding my “aggressive purring.”
First of all:
I do not purr because I enjoy affection.
I purr because:
- the blanket is soft,
- the human is warm,
- life briefly feels safe,
- and I am secretly made entirely of feelings.
But I refuse to discuss this further.
Spurka and Kitka Handle Affection Very Differently
Spurka acts cool about cuddles, but honestly? One baby voice and that cat melts like butter on a radiator.
Kitka pretends she’s above affection completely, yet somehow always ends up asleep beside the human like a retired queen watching over her kingdom.
Meanwhile I maintain dignity by:
- demanding attention,
- rejecting attention,
- then crying because nobody noticed I wanted attention.
This is emotional sophistication.
The Tiny Head Bonk of Love
Humans never appreciate how much courage it takes for a cat to gently headbutt them.
That tiny bonk means:
“I trust you enough to lower my forehead defenses.”
It is basically the feline equivalent of writing poetry under moonlight.
And what do humans do?
“AWWWW LOOK AT THE LITTLE BABY!”
Please.
Control yourselves.
The Greatest Betrayal of All
Sometimes I finally allow cuddles.
The human pets me correctly.
The blanket is warm.
The room is quiet.
And for one beautiful moment, I completely relax.
Then they say:
“See? You DO love cuddles!”
And instantly the spell is broken.
Now I must leave dramatically to protect my reputation.
Final Confession
Fine.
I admit it.
Maybe I do like affection a little bit.
Maybe the sound of my human’s voice makes me feel calm.
Maybe I follow them from room to room because I enjoy being near them.
Maybe sleeping beside someone is its own kind of trust.
But I still reserve the right to act offended every single time I’m kissed on the forehead.
I have standards.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pretend I accidentally fell asleep on my human’s lap again.
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