Every year, around June, humans start saying strange things.
“Summer is coming.”
“I need to get in shape.”
“Beach body season!”
Personally, my summer body strategy is simple:
become slightly fluffier.
Humans Have Very Strange Priorities
Suddenly everybody is:
- drinking green liquids,
- jogging voluntarily,
- and discussing carbohydrates like they committed crimes.
I watched my human eat salad while looking emotionally devastated.
Couldn’t be me.
If I eat grass, it’s because I made a bad decision, not because of “wellness.”
I Already Have the Perfect Summer Body
Step 1:
Have body.
Step 2:
Exist during summer.
Congratulations.
Summer body achieved.
Honestly, cats solved this problem centuries ago.
You never see cats:
- counting calories,
- doing crunches,
- or crying over swimsuits.
We simply arrive already magnificent.
Yes, I Am Slightly Round. Thank You for Noticing.
Humans keep using words like:
“chonky,”
“fluffy,”
and my least favorite:
“little meatball.”
Excuse me.
This is not fat.
This is:
- stored wisdom,
- emergency snack capacity,
- and advanced cuddle technology.
Do you know how comforting it is to hug a slightly squishy cat?
Exactly.
I provide a public service.
Summer Heat Changes a Cat
In winter I become:
tiny furry loaf.
In summer I transform into:
melted carpet with opinions.
You will find me:
- stretched dramatically across tiles,
- hanging halfway off furniture,
- or lying belly-up like I’ve fainted from Victorian exhaustion.
This is not laziness.
This is temperature management.
The Audacity of the Vet
Recently the vet said I should:
“watch my weight.”
Interesting.
Meanwhile nobody tells pigeons to exercise and some of them look like rotisserie chickens with wings.
Selective criticism.
Kitka Is Naturally Elegant and It’s Annoying
Kitka walks like an ancient queen in a historical drama.
Every movement graceful.
Every pose majestic.
Meanwhile I once fell off a chair because I sneezed too aggressively.
Still iconic though.
Spurka claims he “doesn’t care about appearances,” yet spends three hours a day grooming himself like a tiny black panther preparing for a magazine shoot.
Hypocrisy everywhere.
Exercise Is Important, Unfortunately
Do I exercise?
Of course.
Every evening at exactly the wrong hour, I perform:
✨ The Zoomies ✨
This includes:
- sprinting into walls,
- parkour off furniture,
- and terrifying the household with unexplained speed.
For seven minutes I become pure athletic power.
Then I collapse breathing heavily beside the food bowl.
Balance.
Bikini Season? I Have Fur Season.
Humans spend summer trying to reveal more skin.
I spend summer shedding enough fur to build a second cat.
Nature heals differently for everyone.
My human says:
“Gryzka, your hair is everywhere.”
Good.
This apartment should remember me even after I leave the room.
Confidence Is the Most Attractive Thing Anyway
You know what truly makes someone beautiful?
The confidence to:
- nap openly,
- ask for snacks without shame,
- and take up space unapologetically.
I walk into every room like a celebrity arriving late to her own award ceremony.
That energy matters.
Final Thoughts From a Slightly Toasted Cat
So no, I will not be “getting beach ready.”
I am already:
- soft,
- glorious,
- emotionally expressive,
- and aerodynamic enough for moderate hallway sprinting.
My summer body is simply… more cat.
More fluff.
More naps.
More attitude.
More dramatic collapsing onto cool floors.
And honestly?
I highly recommend it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to lie in front of the fan like a windswept movie star and think about tuna.
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