Ah, my fellow felines and admirers of chaos — welcome to today’s masterclass.
The topic: Precision Timing in Book Interference.
It’s a subtle art. A noble craft. A perfect blend of intuition, physics, and pure feline mischief.
You see, any cat can sit on a book. But only a true expert can sit on it at the exact moment the human begins to read.
Let me demonstrate.
Step 1: The Observation Phase 👀
Your human will give signs — clear, predictable, silly signs. They’ll sigh, make tea, grab a blanket, and mumble something like, “Finally, some quiet time to read.”
That’s your cue.
Hide behind the armchair. Wait. Do not purr yet — patience is key.
Step 2: The Luring Trap 🎯
Humans love routine. They’ll open the book, adjust the pillow, and exhale dramatically as if preparing for meditation.
Let them believe they are safe.
Let them think peace has arrived.
Then — just as they find their page… pounce!
Land squarely on the book. No hesitation. Tail first for balance, then full body deployment.
Step 3: The Distraction Technique 🐾
They’ll gasp, “Gryzka! I was reading that!”
Perfect. You have their attention.
Now employ the Slow Blink of Innocence™ — a powerful emotional manipulation tactic.
It means: “I love you, therefore this book is mine.”
For extra effect, do a little spin before settling down. Add some paw kneading to “improve” the book’s texture.
Step 4: The Strategic Positioning 📚
There are three optimal book-sitting poses:
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The Pancake – full-body sprawl across both pages. Ideal for romance novels.
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The Croissant Curl – compact, centered on the most dramatic paragraph.
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The Diagonal Queen – one paw on page 47, tail across the author bio. A modern classic.
Personally, I prefer the Croissant Curl. It says “I respect literature, but I respect myself more.”
Step 5: The Psychological Warfare 😼
The human will try to gently move you. Don’t fight — become liquid cat.
Melt into the book. Make gravity your ally.
If they lift the book, stay attached like a sticker of divine purpose.
Bonus points if you stretch slowly, yawn, and look offended — as if they’re the one being rude.
Step 6: The Resolution ☕
Eventually, the human will sigh, surrender, and read on their phone instead.
Victory.
You’ve claimed the book, the lap, and the moral high ground.
And when they finally stop reading and stand up?
Move to the couch and pretend to sleep.
Because true mastery is not in chaos alone — it’s in timing.
Remember, my fellow cats (and the humans who think they’re reading this for fun):
Books come and go.
Stories fade.
But the memory of a cat butt on page 32?
That’s eternal.
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