July Romance? I Lick Myself, Thank You.

 Ah, summer.

That time of year when humans get all misty-eyed, sweaty-palmed, and start wearing less clothing in public than I find emotionally acceptable.

From my perch on the windowsill (where I sit like a decorative gargoyle with judgmental whiskers), I’ve been observing your awkward flirtations, beach dates, and tragic “picnics” where ants are the only ones really thriving.

Let me make this very clear:

July romance? I lick myself, thank you.

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First of All: It’s Too Hot to Be in Love

Have you felt the temperature lately? I rolled over and accidentally slow-cooked my tail. You want me to fall in love while I’m basically a baked lasagna in fur?

No, darling. The only thing I’m cuddling is the cold tile floor and my delusions of a cooler life.

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Gryzka’s Official Summer Romance Advice:

💋 1. Don’t chase love. Chase sunbeams.

Love runs. Sunbeams stay in place and warm your belly. One is exhausting. The other is divine. You do the math.

💋 2. Tongue baths are self-love.

You humans are so focused on finding someone. Find a brush. Find a shady spot. Find your inner sparkle. That’s sexy.

💋 3. If someone tries to touch you when you didn’t ask? Bite them.

This applies in ALL SEASONS.

💋 4. Romantic gestures?

Sure. Knock a plant off the windowsill. Stare into their soul at 3AM. Purr loudly, then bite their nose. It’s called setting boundaries.

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I Watched a Date from This Very Window

Two humans sat on a blanket eating grapes. She giggled. He leaned closer. She smiled.
Then he sneezed.
Into her wine.
She still kissed him.

Honestly? Disgusting. Have some dignity. I saw a pigeon look away in shame.

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Real Love Is This:

• A human who doesn’t move when I nap on their bladder.

• A bowl of wet food slightly warm, never cold.

• A sun patch that lasts more than 12 minutes.

• Spurka letting me have the windowsill without a hissing match (okay, that one’s fictional).

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Final Thoughts from Dr. Fluff

If romance finds you this July, good for you.
But if not? Wrap yourself in your own tail, lick your chest floof, and know that you are enough.

After all, I don’t chase anyone.
They come to me. Usually holding treats.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sigh dramatically while watching the sunset like the mysterious goddess I am.

Loveless, flawless,
Gryzka
Self-groomed. Self-respecting. Self-employed (at napping).