We have a situation.
There is another candle.
π
I repeat:
Another candle.
Many candles.
A frankly unreasonable number of candles.
There are candles on shelves.
Candles on tables.
Candles in jars.
Candles in little tins.
Candles that smell like vanilla.
Candles that smell like cinnamon.
Candles that apparently smell like “autumn morning.”
And now...
There is a new one.
ππ―️
I have inspected it.
It smells like pumpkin, cinnamon, apples, vanilla, and something that I believe may be a confused forest.
Why?
Why does the house need to smell like all of these things simultaneously?
We have cats.
π± The House Already Has a Natural Fragrance
Let us discuss the obvious.
Cats have smells.
Not bad smells.
Natural smells.
The human calls it:
“Warm feline.”
I call it:
Luxury.
There are subtle notes of:
πΎ warm fur
π distant tuna
π occasional chicken
π️ blanket
☀️ sun-warmed cushion
π¦ cardboard box
It is an extremely sophisticated fragrance profile.
And it is completely free.
Yet the human keeps buying candles.
π―️ The First Candle
The first candle appeared in September.
The human lit it.
The room smelled like vanilla.
She smiled.
“Oh, that's lovely.”
I sniffed.
Vanilla.
Fine.
I have nothing against vanilla.
Then she bought another one.
Cinnamon.
Then another.
Apple.
Then another.
Something called “Warm Autumn Evening.”
I smelled it.
I could not identify anything.
Possibly a tree.
Possibly a biscuit.
Possibly someone's grandmother.
Humans have become very ambitious with candles.
π₯ The Candle Lighting Ceremony
Humans have a whole ritual.
They light the candle.
They dim the lights.
They put on music.
They get a blanket.
They make tea.
They sit down.
Then they say:
“This is so cozy.”
Again.
Cozy.
Humans have discovered cozy and now they cannot stop talking about it.
Meanwhile, I have been cozy since birth.
I don't need candles.
I simply locate a warm surface and lie down.
Done.
πΎ I Tried to Explain This
I approached the human.
I sat beside the candle.
I looked at it.
Then I looked at myself.
I believe my expression communicated:
“You already own the superior decorative object.”
The human laughed.
She picked me up.
She kissed my head.
Then she said:
“Awww, you're cozy too.”
Too?
TOO?
I am not competing with the candle.
The candle is competing with me.
And it is losing.
π The Pumpkin Candle Incident
Then came the pumpkin candle.
The human lit it.
I immediately became suspicious.
It smelled sweet.
Spicy.
Warm.
Strange.
I looked around for the pumpkin.
There was no pumpkin.
This was concerning.
Where was the pumpkin?
I searched the kitchen.
Nothing.
I searched the table.
Nothing.
Then I discovered the truth.
The pumpkin smell was coming from a tiny glass jar.
Humans have invented fake pumpkins that burn.
π³
This civilization is becoming increasingly complicated.
π΅️ The Candle Investigation
I have now established the following:
Candle #1
Smells like vanilla.
Candle #2
Smells like cinnamon.
Candle #3
Smells like apple.
Candle #4
Smells like something called “fireside.”
Candle #5
Smells like pumpkin.
Candle #6
Smells like “cozy cabin.”
Candle #7
Unknown.
Possibly forest.
Possibly soup.
Possibly a man named Kevin.
I have not yet determined this.
πΎ The Real Problem
My biggest concern isn't the smell.
It is the placement.
Humans put candles on tables.
Cats walk on tables.
Humans put candles on shelves.
Cats jump onto shelves.
Humans put candles beside blankets.
Cats love blankets.
Do you see the problem?
THE HOUSE IS FULL OF FIRE.
π₯
And then humans look at us and say:
“Don't touch that.”
Excuse me?
You brought the tiny fire into my territory.
I am simply investigating.
πΎ Kitka Has a Different Opinion
I asked Kitka what she thought about the candle situation.
She was sleeping.
I asked again.
She opened one eye.
I said:
“Do you think humans have too many candles?”
She closed her eye.
This means yes.
Or possibly that she wanted me to leave.
Kitka communicates efficiently.
π⬛ Spurka Is Suspicious
Spurka, meanwhile, believes candles are part of a secret human ritual.
She watches the flame.
She watches the human.
She watches the shadows.
Then she watches the flame again.
Spurka is convinced something supernatural is happening.
I told her it's simply a scented candle.
She said:
“That's exactly what they want you to think.”
π³
Fair point.
π± Lenka Wants to Touch It
Lenka, naturally, tried to touch the flame.
We stopped her.
Lenka asked why.
We explained:
“Because FIRE.”
She stared at us.
Then at the candle.
Then at us.
Then she tried again.
Lenka has many qualities.
Common sense is not one of them.
πΏ What About Natural Scents?
Humans claim candles make the house smell “natural.”
Interesting.
Because outside there are:
π² Trees
π§️ Rain
π Leaves
πΏ Grass
πΈ Flowers
None of them are burning.
Perhaps humans have misunderstood nature.
Maybe nature's scent does not need to be recreated in a jar.
Maybe humans could simply open a window.
...
Oh.
It's October.
The human just closed the window because it's cold.
I understand now.
Candles.
π️ The Perfect Autumn Evening
I have developed a superior alternative.
Instead of:
π―️ candle
☕ tea
π book
π΅ music
Try:
π± cat
π± another cat
π± third cat
π± fourth cat
π️ sofa
𧣠blanket
π΄ nap
No fire.
No expensive fragrance.
No mysterious pumpkin.
No risk of burning the curtains.
And significantly more purring.
This is what I call advanced autumn living.
π° The Financial Problem
There is also the question of money.
Humans spend money on candles.
Then they burn them.
Then they buy another candle.
Then they burn that one.
Then they buy another.
This is an endless cycle.
If humans spent that money on cat treats instead...
I have calculated that the household could achieve approximately:
More treats.
This is obviously the better investment.
I have prepared a spreadsheet.
It contains one column.
TREATS.
The numbers are encouraging.
π―️ Gryzka's Candle Ratings
I have decided to rate the household candles.
π―️ Vanilla
7/10
Smells like biscuits.
π―️ Cinnamon
6/10
Interesting but aggressive.
π―️ Pumpkin
4/10
Suspicious.
π―️ Apple
5/10
Where is the apple?
π―️ “Cozy Cabin”
2/10
There is no cabin.
π± Cat
10/10
Already available.
Completely natural.
Requires no batteries.
Produces warmth.
Sometimes purrs.
Occasionally bites.
Excellent overall.
πΎ Final Thoughts From Gryzka
So, humans...
If you want to buy another candle, I won't stop you.
I'm a cat.
I don't control your finances.
Apparently.
But before you put another scented candle on the table, ask yourself:
Do I really need this?
Because you already have:
A warm home.
A soft blanket.
A cup of tea.
Autumn outside the window.
And, most importantly...
a cat.
π―
A cat who smells faintly of warm fur, clean blankets and perhaps a distant memory of tuna.
What more could you possibly want?
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I'm going to sit beside the candle.
Not because I like it.
I'm simply going to stare at it until the human gets nervous.
It is important to maintain household security.
π―️ππΎ
Love,
Gryzka π―
Chief Inspector of Suspicious Household Scents
Director of Natural Feline Fragrance
Founder of the “We Already Have Cats” Movement
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