November has arrived.
And with it, problems.
Many problems.
Serious problems.
Some of them are so serious that I have been forced to open an official household complaints department.
**The Gryzka November Complaint Department.**
We are now accepting complaints.
From cats only.
Humans may submit complaints if they wish, but they will not be taken seriously.
Obviously.
---
# π OFFICE HOURS
The Complaint Department is open:
**Whenever I am awake.**
Which means:
7:03–7:04
9:17–9:18
11:42–11:47
14:06–14:07
16:31–16:35
18:00–18:02
21:14–21:16
and approximately seventeen times during the night.
Appointments are unnecessary.
Simply appear near me and look offended.
I will understand.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 001
## Insufficient Treats
This is the most common complaint.
The human opens the cupboard.
We hear it.
We know that sound.
**Treat cupboard.**
We arrive.
Kitka arrives.
Spurka arrives.
Lenka arrives.
I arrive first because I am management.
The human takes out the treats.
Excellent.
Then she gives us...
One.
One treat.
Per cat.
I would like to know who approved this policy.
Because it was not me.
One treat is not a portion.
One treat is a **sample.**
A preview.
A suggestion.
A tiny edible insult.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 002
## The Windowsill Is Cold
This one is extremely serious.
The windowsill used to be warm.
The sun used to shine there.
Now?
Cold.
Cold glass.
Cold air.
Cold everything.
I sat there yesterday for approximately four seconds.
My paws became offended.
I left.
The human said:
“Why don't you sit by the window anymore?”
Because, human.
**The window has stopped cooperating.**
Please repair the sun immediately.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 003
## Closed Doors
Humans love doors.
Open door:
Fine.
Closed door:
**Emergency.**
Why is it closed?
What is happening behind it?
Who is inside?
What are they doing?
Why am I not allowed to know?
I don't necessarily want to go through the door.
I simply want the option.
This is an important distinction.
The human says:
“You don't need to go in there.”
That is not the point.
I need the door open so I can decide not to go in.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 004
## Moved Cushions
I had a cushion.
It was perfect.
Correct shape.
Correct softness.
Correct temperature.
Correct location.
Then the human moved it.
Why?
She said:
“I was cleaning.”
Cleaning?
You moved my cushion for **cleaning?**
The cushion was perfectly clean.
It had my fur on it.
That is not dirt.
That is **ownership documentation.**
The human removed my evidence.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 005
## Humans Sleeping When Cats Are Awake
This is becoming a major problem.
At night, the household becomes quiet.
The human goes to bed.
We remain awake.
Obviously.
Someone has to supervise.
I walk around.
Spurka patrols.
Kitka checks the bedroom.
Lenka investigates something nobody else heard.
The human says:
“Please go to sleep.”
No.
It is 2:17 in the morning.
This is an excellent time to suddenly remember that I haven't run through the hallway at maximum speed today.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 006
## Suspiciously Small Chicken Portions
I would like to address the chicken situation.
The human prepared chicken.
We smelled it.
We assembled.
We waited.
The plate appeared.
It was...
Small.
Very small.
Suspiciously small.
I examined the evidence.
There was clearly more chicken somewhere.
I know because I could smell it.
The human said:
“That's enough.”
Enough for whom?
A hamster?
---
# π OFFICIAL CHICKEN PORTION CALCULATION
After extensive research, I have developed a scientific formula.
**Correct chicken portion = amount currently available + whatever is still in the kitchen.**
This formula has never failed.
Humans keep saying:
“You've already had some.”
Irrelevant.
That was **previous chicken.**
We are discussing **current chicken.**
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 007
## The Human Says “Later”
“Later” is one of the most dangerous words in the human vocabulary.
“Treat later.”
“Food later.”
“Play later.”
“Open the door later.”
“Move the blanket later.”
When is later?
Five minutes?
Ten?
Tomorrow?
Next Tuesday?
There is no acceptable definition.
Cats operate on a much more reliable system.
**Now.**
If something is wanted now, it is wanted now.
This is why we are successful.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 008
## The Heating Situation
November is cold.
Cats know this.
Humans also know this.
Yet sometimes the radiator is cold.
Why?
The human says:
“It isn't cold enough yet.”
I would like to invite her to sit on the floor without clothes.
Then we can discuss what “cold enough” means.
Kitka has already established permanent radiator rights.
Spurka has located the warmest blanket.
Lenka has discovered a patch of sunlight that lasts approximately six minutes.
I have chosen the best sleeping location.
The household heating department is therefore functioning.
Barely.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 009
## The Human Keeps Saying “Move”
Apparently I am sometimes “in the way.”
Again.
This has been discussed.
I am never in the way.
I am strategically positioned.
November requires careful positioning.
Near the radiator.
Near the kitchen.
Near the human.
Near the food.
Near the blanket.
Preferably all four at once.
If the human cannot walk around me, that is a human route-planning issue.
Not my problem.
---
# πΎ COMPLAINT No. 010
## The Human Has Started Wearing Socks
This is extremely suspicious.
Humans suddenly become covered in fabric.
Socks.
Slippers.
Sweaters.
Blankets.
Scarves.
Coats.
Hats.
Meanwhile, cats simply continue being cats.
We already have excellent coats.
Built in.
Water-resistant.
Fashionable.
Warm.
No laundry required.
Humans could learn something.
---
# π EMERGENCY COMPLAINT FORM
Any cat wishing to submit a formal grievance must complete the following form:
**Name:** __________________
**Complaint:** __________________
**Was food involved?**
☐ Yes
☐ Obviously
**Were treats involved?**
☐ Yes
☐ Not enough
**Was a door closed?**
☐ Yes
☐ Criminally
**Was your sleeping place disturbed?**
☐ Yes
☐ Absolutely
**Did the human say “later”?**
☐ Yes
☐ Repeatedly
**Did the human attempt to move you?**
☐ Yes
☐ She tried
**Recommended compensation:**
☐ Treats
☐ Chicken
☐ Blanket
☐ Immediate apology
☐ All of the above
---
# πΎ THE FIRST OFFICIAL MEETING
I held our first November Complaint Department meeting yesterday.
Kitka had three complaints.
Spurka had five.
Lenka had twelve.
I had a folder.
This immediately established my authority.
We sat around the table.
Well.
Some of us sat on chairs.
Some sat underneath the table.
One of us was inside a cardboard box.
This is how professional meetings work.
---
# π’ KITKA'S COMPLAINT
Kitka's complaint was simple.
The human had changed the blanket.
The new blanket was acceptable.
But not perfect.
Kitka requested the return of the old blanket.
Her complaint was filed under:
**Blanket Standards and Quality Control.**
---
# π’ SPURKA'S COMPLAINT
Spurka complained that someone had moved a toy.
Nobody knew where the toy had originally been.
Spurka did.
She had seen everything.
She declined to provide further information.
Her complaint remains under investigation.
---
# π’ LENKA'S COMPLAINT
Lenka complained that the human had eaten something without sharing.
We asked what it was.
She said she didn't know.
She simply felt that sharing should have occurred.
I agreed.
The complaint was approved.
---
# π’ MY COMPLAINT
I had one main complaint.
The human had looked directly at me while eating chicken.
And did not give me any.
This is unacceptable.
She had the chicken.
I had the face.
The face was excellent.
The chicken was available.
The evidence was overwhelming.
Yet she refused.
I have not forgotten.
---
# π§⚖️ THE NOVEMBER COURT
After reviewing all complaints, I have established a special court.
I am the judge.
Kitka is senior advisor.
Spurka is head of investigations.
Lenka is in charge of snacks.
The human is the defendant.
The first case:
**The People vs. Human Portion Control.**
Charges include:
- insufficient treats
- suspiciously small chicken portions
- unnecessary “later”
- excessive door closing
- unauthorized cushion relocation
- failure to maintain warm windowsills
The human has pleaded:
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
Typical.
---
# π OUR OFFICIAL NOVEMBER DEMANDS
We have prepared a list.
### Demand No. 1
More treats.
### Demand No. 2
Warmer sleeping locations.
### Demand No. 3
No unnecessary door closing.
### Demand No. 4
Return of moved cushions.
### Demand No. 5
Adequate chicken portions.
### Demand No. 6
No waking humans who are asleep.
Wait.
That last one was written by the human.
**Rejected.**
---
# π NIGHT SHIFT
At 1:36 in the morning, I checked the Complaint Department.
Everything was quiet.
The human was asleep.
The house was dark.
Kitka was sleeping.
Spurka was nowhere to be seen.
Lenka was curled up somewhere warm.
I sat in the hallway.
I thought about November.
Cold windows.
Dark afternoons.
Blankets.
Closed doors.
Small chicken portions.
A difficult month.
Then I heard something.
The fridge.
Opening.
I ran.
The Complaint Department was officially closed.
But emergency chicken matters take priority.
Obviously.
---
# π FINAL NOTICE
The Gryzka November Complaint Department will remain open throughout the month.
Complaints may be submitted at any hour.
No complaint is too small.
Except complaints from humans.
Those will be placed directly in the recycling bin.
November may be dark.
It may be cold.
The days may be short.
But we cats will survive.
We have blankets.
We have radiators.
We have windows.
We have each other.
And most importantly...
We have a complaint department.
Because if there is one thing cats are exceptionally good at, it is identifying problems that humans didn't even know existed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have received a very serious report.
Someone has opened a packet of chicken.
And apparently...
**I wasn't invited.**
This cannot continue.
Love,
**Gryzka** π―π
*Head of the November Complaint Department*
*Chief Feline Grievance Officer*
*Director of Unacceptable Portion Investigation*
*Open 24/7, especially at dinner time*
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